For this specific Fine Art series I traveled from Amsterdam to Tallinn, Estonia. It took me about 8 hours in total to get there. There were magnificent places to explore and discover. Together with friends and acquaintances it became a life changing experience. This blog post is quite personal, the date of writing originates from a year ago, in a time when I was dealing with hardships like depression. I thought it would be interesting to read and more importantly; I hope to raise awareness about depression. This taboo is very real, and could have ended in a way that I wouldn't be able to share this with you.
Let that sink in for a while.
Please play me while you read.
"My mind was frozen as I witnessed the days pass. Eyes open, no sight other than memories of the far far past. I was blinded by tears and paralyzed by fear. It were those kind of days where I failed to see bright daylight that was meant to strike upon my skin. My apologies, but the door is locked. I gave up. I wanted to disappear. Deleted my Instagram, deactivated Facebook, quit doing my monthly reports, and didn't pick up my phone. I picked up a pen, a piece of paper and started writing my inheritage instead. I surrendered. I had to meet myself in my darkest dim. Being in the darkness, all that I could see was a broken mirror with a splitting wooden frame. Is that me? A scared little boy is all that I could see. As the self-pity grew, whispers of self-destructive thoughts tempted me to listen to end it all... I can't endure. At least, that's what I thought."
"Are you coming?"
"During the lowest lows of times in my life, I looked up as my soul was dwelling around, moving backwards in circles, trying to figure out what I have become. No room for anyone or anything at all. All that I got was hiding behind a shattered smile. I was at a place where I got used to ignoring helping hands that were beyond their reach. I have failed myself to accept every attempt, yet there was one always sticking around. One that understood. One interesting enough that I was willing to meet."
At the time when I was traveling to Estonia, I was struggling with depression. The continuous search for reasoning and processing new perspectives resulted in insomnia. At this point, I dragged my body outside, just so I could get that vitamin D.
It was obvious. I felt deceived. By myself. And there were too many "Why's" to answer. My systematic way of thinking to resonate just happened to be overloaded. I left a path of destruction, resulting in having no path at all. Eradicated my old beliefs, values, and perspectives. There were no rules. No boundaries. Just; common sense and a lot of opportunities.
Even though I thought I prepared myself well enough to get back on my two feet. I did not expect the road to vanish entirely. Completely lost in a world where only I could confront myself. The difficulties it brought along eventually made it easier for me. Repetition was key, to overcome them once again, then, here, and now.
It were two difficult years for me. Quite intense, personal and in all honesty, you shouldn't care about that. What you should care about is those who are around you, dealing with the same shit that I went through. A simple hello works miracles. At least, it did for me.
You see, the bubble popped. The nuke landed. It felt that there was no-one around. It's the blind-spot that people are going through, because they are too busy processing figuring out what is going on.
As for me, my body gave up. I had no energy left to spare. The mind was busy, fighting, engaging, and questioning everything that it remembered, and hold so dearly close to me. I couldn't stop for 8 months straight. 15 minutes of power naps, 4 times a day. I looked like shit, lost weight, and my body was running on reserves.
And for the first time in 8 months, I gave in and was finally able to sleep on the last day during the getaway in the apartment that I booked in Estonia. I felt relieved. My mind finally made progress.
Somehow I wished that I traveled this path a long time ago. But perhaps, if I did, I wouldn't be here now. To find myself, I first had to desert myself. Completely.
Life goes as it goes. Even though life can be hard and difficult for many, never forget your own strength and that only you contain the power to make a difference.
The photograph that was used to create this series of Fine Art was taken in the Rummnu Quarry located near Tallinn, Estonia. Rich of sharp bronze-colored textures. While there is lots to do, it is great to pause and take a deep breath to look back of what once was. Inhale. Exhale.
"Yep, I'll be there!"